Here we go again.

Ok. FUCK IT. I'm back on this blogging thing after 3 years! (I guess this means life has gone downhill again..) -

Actually no. I'm all good.. But after re-reading my previous 3 posts I realise now that wasn't all good back then. 2009 was a difficult year, in hindsight. I see that now. But the 15 year old me just got on with it.. Wasn't she brave?

Soooooo.. I'll pretend I'm talking to an audience here, even though I'm fully aware absolutely no one reads my meaningless ramblings and chit-chat. Quite a few things I'd like to talk to "you" about.

Firstly.. I've fallen in love with music all over again. When looking back (yes, this is going to be a looong blog about the past and other boring things) I can see now that I was really quite the messed up individual. One week I was into Rock music... the next, it was RnB.. closely followed by the "Screamo" Hawthorne Heights were associated with back then..

Back then? I feel old and yet really I'm not :P

So yes. I've fallen back in love with music. And this time around I think I'm sticking to the genres I actually enjoy, rather than those which whatever particular social group I was desperate to belong to recommended. At the moment... This lady is the apple of my eye:

NO. I have not gone all "gangster-hiphop-GHETTOLICIOUS", I just like the song-okay?! For those of you who are uneducated.. Watching this will bring you up to speed. I know Nicki's not exactly new on the block... But alot of people I've spoken to seem to disregard her as a genuine female rapper.. WELL. I am shamefacedly in LOVE with Nicki Minaj. I'm a firm believer in her talent and yes.. I know every word to her feature in this song with Kanye West, Jay-Z, Rick Ross & Bon Iver...

Now that I'm jamming, I think I'll discuss my life and other boring stuff later. Shh.. Nicki's on.

Strength.

Cancer
noun. "A pernicious, spreading evil."

It seems as if with each blog entry, the topics which spring to mind, of which I find myself talking about - grow darker, and darker. And to those reading it, I'm sure it seems as if with these topics, my mood also grows pessimistic, along with my thoughts; However, this isn't true. And although I find myself constantly noting down the bad things which plague the deepest parts of ourselves daily, and not all those that are good; I feel as if I haven't lost sight of them, and that even in the bad, there are some things which are good.

Cancer; There are many definitions. But the one above seems to fit it most. At yet, there, in all its glory, as one of the most malicious and evil diseases, there is some good. Because cancer, makes people stronger.

I suppose at some point I should tell you why I even brought this up. But I think maybe it isn't a neccesity just yet.

So, it makes people stronger? How? Although I myself am not quite sure, I know it does. Something about the disease, makes YOU want to fight it. And win.
And when I say you, I don't just mean those with the disease itself. But anyone and everyone who is close to you, almost always have the same burning desire to defeat the beast which is causing you so much pain.
It makes people ready, ready for anything.
It brings out the fighter in all of us, and for that - It isn't all bad.
In life, it's important not to focus on the bad things all the time, and to notice that even if they are minute, and nearly insignificant, every problem has a positive aspect, and a way in which it can be dealt with.
I suppose that people deal with things in different ways, but to me it seems the only option when dealing with things which appear to be all bad, aesthetically of course, is to find strength in the smaller, better things within them.

It isn't easy, finding strength. Like searching for a needle in a haystack. It doesn't always come without a struggle. But when people find it, they latch onto it, and use it to get them through other problems in their lives. I think, maybe I need to find strength, and just haven't been looking hard enough. Its there, It definately is. It's just a matter of working it out.

For the crypticness of this entry, I apologise. I'm not even sure myself what I was getting at. And I think, in order for me to find the strength I'm speaking of, I should figure that out first.

Venting.

When fairly simple things become complex for no logical or neccesary reason, it displeases me. When, in a young buffalo's life for instance, has anything ever been overcomplicated?

Took this in India last month. And to me, it symbolises nothing but the innate, untouched simplicity that seems to spread itself over everyone elses life, but mine. Why do I feel this way? I guess I'm just venting.

Clearly I was mistaken in the thought that blogging was not to be my new means of expression, for now I find it being put to good use.

I suppose most people come on here and complain about how irksome and intolerable their life is in comparison to others. And its a well known fact most people do feel this emotion, especially in the harder times of life. And I guess, this buffalo, although seemingly at peace, innocent, and in black and white; Plain and simple - may have felt this emotion too. Doesn't everyone?
Even being safe in the knowledge of this, we cannot help but let this emotion take over, despite the kindly words of family/friends, and in this case, other buffalos. And who knows why we behave in such a way? All I know is we all do.

Sure you get those very few who claim to be at complete and utter peace with themselves, and to them, I say; Bollocks. No one is at complete peace, not really anyways. You could try a million books about being "At one" with oneself, and possibly another million about How to fight off the feeling of worthlessness. But nothing can prevent you, and all of us from feeling that emotion. One in which you feel so powerless, and worse off than the other 6 billion people in the world.

So, What am I trying to say?
It sucks to feel like that, I guess. And it sucks to know you've made others feel like that too. In a perfect world, we'd all be like that buffalo, a still image, black and white. Completely simplistic and totally happy in the constantly changing, unproblematic scenes of which we call life.

But thats never the way it is, and there are always those precocious people, who's aim in life it is to complicate things further. And then comes the question, have I turned into one of them?
And as I ramble on in an attempt to find true answer to my questions, and also to find out what kind of person I really am, I stumble upon the idea that yes, I am one of those people, and yet, I also feel this emotion. And perhaps there lies the answer, as to why we feel that way to begin with. A vicious circle which all leads back to number 1. Me. And if thats so, then what can I do to stop it? And in essence, there's nothing at all I can do. Because its the simple genetics within me that make me this way, and for that, there is no book/advice from a friend that can cure it.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia.

Fear of long words. Ironic, no?

Blog-virgin and considerably confused with this whole set up, I thought perhaps it was time to jump on the band-wagon and do what everyone else was doing. Blogging.
But what to say? One has written many diary entries in my 15 short years but never before a blog. Is there a difference? Certainly. Here, the way I've become accostomed to expressing myself, in private, has been turned on its head, to a way which is in effect, the complete opposite. But I suppose, if i cared.. Would I have started writing?

I tend to question myself alot. Does it mean I have low self-esteem? Not at all. I'm just very particular.
So blogging, does it have a definition? I guess, when stripped down to its core.. It's just talking to yourself, one person, expressing themselves, to themselves. Then into the equation comes the millions of people who can view this very private expression of one's feelings, which is where the appeal is lost. And yet here I am, blogging away.. Feeling very foolish, and not at all intelligent or at oneness with myself, which is what I partly expected to come of this experience.

Random strings of words. I've noticed, that blogging isn't my forte. And every now and then within this text appear random sentences, words strung together by the previously dormant part of my brain, until i began "Blogging". And for this, am I to thank this little website, for bringing out the best in me? I'm not quite sure. It may not be the best of me after all.
To the topic, Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia. Why I chose this is a question even I cannot answer. But it's ironic, and I like the word. So there you go.
Long words. Is there any point to them when they have synonyms.. words of equal meaning which tend to be at least 5 or 6 letters lesser than the original? Strange, that.

So, is this it? How does one end a "Blog" anyways? And how long does it have to be?
In my attempt to conform further to the "Big Brother" Society i already live in, and allow people to have access to my inner thoughts and feelings, I see there's a snag in my endeavour for normality. I have no skill for Blogging whatsoever, and find myself asking you, the reader for advice. Once again the irony sets in.
And I come to the realisation, that perhaps "Blogging" just isn't for me.